Write Better Dialogue

If stock photography has taught us anything, it’s that writing cannot occur unless there’s a cup of coffee within a 1-foot radius of the writing device. And also golden pineapples.

A big complaint I’m seeing in the reviews for a lot of books is that the dialogue seems unrealistic (for any number of reasons) and therefore takes away from the pleasure of reading the story.

I remember having this same thought years ago when I actually had the time to consume mass market paperbacks by the pound. These were bestselling novels from popular authors, but it sounded like all the characters had been swapped for robots. I guess if they can get away with it, there’s no reason to complain. Just keep on truckin’ and don’t stop to improve your dialogue, right?

Wrong.

Just because a bestselling book has crap dialogue doesn’t mean we should be okay with it in our own writing.

So, what can we do about it?

Continue reading Write Better Dialogue

9 Reasons I Hate Your Listicle

Me reading you and hating it.

1. It’s not funny.

Humor is subjective. Except yours. You pushed yours off a tall building, scraped what was left off the street, and shoved it through the ethernet port of your computer. The small amount that leaked into your post was put-offingly lumpy and left a bad odor in my basement efficiency.

2. I failed math in school.

Sequential numbers trigger my rage. We’re already on number two and I can barely see my screen because of, as I said, the rage.

Look how happy. Know why? They never read your listicle.

3. You lose steam halfway through.

It’s like you only had one golden idea for the list and had to scramble for the rest. After number 5-ish, if I start to remember how much I hate myself, you failed as a writer.

4. It has the wrong number of things.

You should have done more, or less. You should have done ANYTHING else except what you did.

Uh-oh…guess who clicked on your listicle?

5. It’s vague.

We’re all just making sh*t up here, but still…just…whatever.

6. It’s written from the point of view of a snarky household object.

Seriously, I can’t believe these are still a thing. Who cares about lamps? Couches are WAY more interesting. Can’t land the couch interview? Go second string and hit up the bedroom mirror. You could write a whole book with the horrors that poor bastard’s witnessed.

GAZE UPON ITS DARK SECRETS.

7. I already feel bad about myself.

I don’t need anyone else telling me how much better I could be doing by making an easy-to-do bulleted list. Good job distilling the essence of everyday struggles into an actionable list that will make my life not suck. I prefer my cultivated misery, Helpie Helperton, but you wrote a GREAT headline that I just HAD to click on.

8. I didn’t think of your idea first.

Every time I have a great listicle idea (5 Ways to Not Die on the Subway, 108 Things to do When You Live in an Abandoned Sawmill), some asshole did it first. You’d think there were no more original ideas.

“I’m sorry I showed you that listicle, honey. Can you ever forgive me?” “Oh, Peter, I…I…no.”

9. Non-linear narratives are better.

Ask Tarantino and Nolan. Why go the boring route with 1, 2, 3? Why not start at 7, then LEAP BACK to 1, then delete the rest? It would be SO much more exciting.

10. You can’t count.

Sorry, but it’s true.

Here’s me after I read your listicle, trying to put the pieces of my life back together. SPOILER ALERT: I failed.

The end.


Photo credit
1.
Tim Gouw / Unsplash
2.
Helena Lopes / Unsplash
3.
Tom Pumford / Unsplash
4. Erin Profaci from Pexels
5.
Almos Bechtold / Unsplash
6.
Reynolds / Unsplash

Discovery Through Story Research

They say to write what you know, but if I wrote what I knew, I would never have learned about two awesome little creatures called the tardigrade and the Pompeii worm.

(Photo credit: Wired.com)
Tardigrade (Photo credit: Wired.com)
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Pompeii Worm (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

These two little guys are extremophiles, which means they have unusually high tolerances for temperature. In the case of the tardigrade, it can survive just about anything you throw at it, including a decade of dehydration, freezing to one degree above absolute zero, and the vacuum of space. Oh, and they can also survive direct, unfiltered radiation from the sun, a radiation that would cook a human alive. So, they’re kind of tough, you know?

Continue reading Discovery Through Story Research

The Last Thing Ray Bradbury Wrote

Ray Bradbury dictated this short essay to his official biographer, Sam Weller, who confirms it is the last thing the science fiction author wrote. It is entitled “The Book and The Butterfly”, and it is about Bradbury’s great love of books and his discovery of the worlds they opened.

Here is the first part:

“When I was seven years old, I started going to the library and I took out ten books a week. The librarian looked at me and asked, “What are you doing?”

I said, “What do you mean?”

And she said, “You can’t possibly read all of those before they are due back.”

I said, “Yes, I can.”

And I came back the next week for ten more books.

In doing so, I told that librarian, politely, to get out of my way and let me happen. That’s what books do. They are the building blocks, the DNA, if you will, of you.

Think of everything you have ever read, everything you have ever learned from holding a book in your hands and how that knowledge shaped you and made you who you are today.

Looking back now on all those years, to when I first discovered books at the library, I see that I was simply falling in love. Day, after day, after glorious day, I was falling in love with books.”

The rest can be found here, and it’s definitely worth a read.

Whatever Happened to Holden Caulfield?

I would like to believe that one of my favorite characters of all time (from one of my favorite books of all time) remained in the exact state as he was depicted throughout the novel. His was a rebellion of a young person well past the Peter and the Lost Boys stage of life and entering the realm where things are ordered to start making sense.

It’s clear from the outset that Holden has no interest in the world around him. Some call him a sociopath because of it but I think his personality is defined by the extreme version of one aspect that all people on the cusp of adulthood experience: lack of place.

Continue reading Whatever Happened to Holden Caulfield?

Yes, we are monsters.

A procession of small bronze sculptures lines the east bank of the Danube in Budapest.

If you keep your eyes on the city’s impressive architecture and hardly ever look down, you’ll miss them. If you’re both lucky and unlucky, one might catch your eye and draw you in for a better look.

As you get closer, you realize they’re shoes of all shapes and sizes. Empty shoes.

Welcome to the Shoes on the Danube Bank, a holocaust memorial.

Continue reading Yes, we are monsters.

I Think Apple Might be a Big Company Someday

“I want to be different, just like everyone else!”

I was in a Phoenix coffee shop when it happened: I finally realized that Image truly is everything.

And the Companies know it.

More importantly, they know how to sell it.

“As you can see, Frank, sales of Image are through the roof!” “Mm-hm. Mm-hm. And what’s this down at the bottom?” “…That’s your thumb, Frank. Just like last time.”

Continue reading I Think Apple Might be a Big Company Someday

Action Openers and the Element of Mystery

Photo by Aaron Mello on Unsplash

Crime writer Jim Thompson may have said it best:

“There is only one plot — nothing is what it seems.”

Yet I’ll go one further and say there’s only one genre: mystery.

I’m not referring to Miss Marple or Sherlock Holmes — not to the established Mystery institution unto itself (with a big fat capital M). I’m referring to the most basic form of mystery: a question that needs to be answered; a problem that needs to be solved.

Mystery is the one thread woven into the fabric of every story.

The good ones, anyway. However the plots and styles and mundanities may vary, an element of mystery is always present. It drives discovery and exploration in all realms of life, so why not in writing?

Photo by Yannis Papanastasopoulos on Unsplash

At its core, mystery compels you to keep reading.

Continue reading Action Openers and the Element of Mystery